I've been reading

So, my friend Heidi gave me all the letters I wrote to her while she was on her mission. During this time, my father was diagnosed with a terminal disease, I had a friend commit suicide, I had major issues within my major at BYU, and I started dating my future husband. It was a difficult and wonderful time. I wrote Heidi very consistently, often every week. She became my journal. I am so glad she gave me back these letters. I had kept copies of many of them on my computer, but have long since lost the files.

As I read the letters, I see myself in many different ways. The memories flood back at me as I remember my roommates, and I remember the crazy things we did. I was such a fun person! (sometimes I wonder what happened to that Harmony...). Anyway, at the end of almost every letter, I bore my testimony to Heidi. It has been really neat for me, as I read them, to see how I dealt with those problems at that time. Each trial was such a big part of my life, and I'm so glad I wrote down all my feelings. It reminds me that I need to start my journal again. I've had a very trying couple of months, and have felt a confetti of feelings. I've learned many things about myself, many things about life, and many things about the Lord's love.

For selfish reasons, I haven't written consistently in my journal for many years. Somehow I've been embarrassed at my inability to have children and didn't want to force people to read about my dumb emotions. I knew that a lot of women go through the same trials, and felt that it shouldn't really be a big deal. So, I thought, why take up paper talking about it? (I know, it makes absolutely no sense at all!) And, now I have missed out on years of journal-writing. I have also lost many years of life from which I can learn, or others can learn from my experiences. I really need to get back in the habit.

That's it.

The nursery door

Some of you already know this, but just in case you don't, I wanted to let you know we're not going to Mississippi. We won't be receiving our baby. Birthmother changed her mind on us. (At least we found out BEFORE we spent all the money to travel there!)

We're pretty heartbroken, but there's nothing we can do about it. So now we keep waiting. It sure would be nice to have any kind of control over having a family, but this will always be our lot in life. Having our children will always depend upon the agency of another person. Ugh. Guess I just need to get used to it.

So now we wait again. I don't like waiting. However, we feel our adoption agency is on top of things and is trying to fill our arms as soon as possible.

Until then, things are pretty much back to normal around here. After all the hustle and bustle, after the fuss of baby showers, and the countless trips to the baby store, the only thing that has changed is that we have a nursery now. Everyone was so generous to us, and we have everything we need. That's the one positive thing I can see come out of this.

I can't bring myself to close the nursery door. I guess that would somehow be parallel to giving up hope. I still find myself in that room, sitting on the glider chair, or going through all the baby things. I still look into the crib, and I still keep the room clean and sanitary. I also imagine what I might be doing had we been able to adopt our son. Yes, I still feel he was meant to be with us, and I know someday I'll see him in Heaven and love him as I do now. Sigh.

Sorry. I didn't mean for this post to be all sentimental. Just wanted to let you know.

And please, pretty please- don't tell me the phrase "It'll all work out." I hate that phrase.

I'm no farmer

I know that this has nothing to do with a baby, but I think it merits a blog post anyway. Among other things, I planted corn this year in our garden. I intended to yield enough corn to freeze a whole bunch of corn-off-the-cob for the coming months. Well, that's definitely not going to happen.

Here is a picture of the "harvest." Pretty hilarious, huh? (Notice that the corn on the left is full-sized, and they get smaller and smaller and smaller...)


In case you need a closer picture, here is my pickle-nosed corn, and then a picture of my mini-corn.





Because I was bored today, I decided to blanche and bag the corn anyway. All that work for 1/2 a bag of corn! As a side note, the corn was starchy, gross, and inedible. It ended up in the garbage. On the bright side, at least it gave me something to do for 45 minutes!


Yeah, I definitely won't be growing corn again. It's cheap enough at Wal-mart.

Three cheers...

If I wanted my team to win at a football game, I would cheer for them. If I wanted a rock band to perform an encore, I'd cheer my heart out. If I wanted my laundry done, I might use some Cheer brand laundry soap.

Seems to me, if I want something, all I have to do is cheer for it.

Please join me in giving three cheers to our son, to encourage him to make his prescence in the world. So put on your short-shorts, dig out your pom-poms, put your hair in a pony and repeat with me:

Hip, hip hoo-ray! {clap} Come out to-day! {clap}

Hip, hip hoo-ray! {clap} Come out to-day! {clap}

Hip, hip hoo-ray! {clap} Come out to-day! {clap}

Please stay tuned. I'll let you know if it worked.

Does he know?

I keep looking in his basinette, and in his crib, and at his little clothes, and I try to picture what he is going to look like, and how tiny he will be. I think of singing him lullabies, rocking him to sleep, and cuddling his sweet body. And I keep thinking, does he know how long we have waited for him? Does he know how precious he is to us? Does he know he is the answer to thousands of prayers? Does he know how much we love him, even though we've never met him?

Does he know? If he doesn't, he will, because we will tell him every day.

Baby preparation

I figure it's time to write a new post. There's not much new in the Baby Front. We're still waiting anxiously for our Little Mister to make his entrance into the world.

Here are some of things we've done in preparation for Baby:

• Sanded back deck
• Stained/painted deck (because it will never get done if it's not done now!)
• Scrubbed the basinette until it shined
• Moved everything into/out of Baby's room
• Put together crib
• cleaned crib and "fixed" all the scratches with furniture oil
• edged all carpeting
• cleaned all baseboards
• Cleaned all carpets (with a Rug Doctor)
• a dozen other random things I can't think of at the moment

I still have a list of things I need to do before we go to Mississippi, but I know I'll never get them all done. Plus, I'm sure there's got to be some things I'll forget to do. Hopefully it's nothing that can't wait!

_____________________________

Up until this past Saturday we had only a handful of baby items. A beautiful thing happened on Saturday to change all of that: BABY SHOWERS! That's right. I said showers- with an "s". I had a ward shower from 12:00-2:00, and then a family/other-friends shower from 3:00-5:00. We are amazed at the generosity of our friends and family, and are so grateful for their help. Now we feel much better and have most of the things we need. All the baby stuff is so cute (yes, even the diaper cream is cute!) and it makes me want our baby to come NOW!

One highlight of my Shower Day was that my friend Becky from Arizona flew in and surprised me! She flew in just for my shower, and left the next day! Boy, did I feel special. Because she came all the way out for me, I feel I at least owe her a picture on my blog. Here's Becky and I. We've been friends since middle school and she is one of my dearest friends in the whole world.

I also had some very cute cakes that were made for my showers. The following cake was made by my friend Heather for my first shower.

Pretty funny, huh?

And then, at my next shower, my friend Raven made these cute mini-cakes. There were 10 mini-cakes, and together they spelled out the words "Welcome Baby".

Aren't these wonderful? She has a business called Dollhouse Cakes.

http://www.dollhousecakes.com/

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all our family and friends for all your support! It means a lot to us that you care so much. It is impossible to say how overwhelmed we feel with the love and support we have received. Everything has come together so smoothly, and we feel this is the way it was always meant to be. Thanks again, everyone!

Dear Baby

To our dear son,

When are you coming? We are earnestly trying to get things ready for you. We're putting together your crib, and putting all your furniture in your bedroom. We're buying you all the things your little body needs, like formula, diapers, and clothes. We're thinking about you every second. You'll have everything you need when you get here.

And, when you get here, we'll finally have everything we need. We are so excited to meet you.

We love you,
Mommy & Daddy