Sunday, September 27, 2009

I've been reading

So, my friend Heidi gave me all the letters I wrote to her while she was on her mission. During this time, my father was diagnosed with a terminal disease, I had a friend commit suicide, I had major issues within my major at BYU, and I started dating my future husband. It was a difficult and wonderful time. I wrote Heidi very consistently, often every week. She became my journal. I am so glad she gave me back these letters. I had kept copies of many of them on my computer, but have long since lost the files.

As I read the letters, I see myself in many different ways. The memories flood back at me as I remember my roommates, and I remember the crazy things we did. I was such a fun person! (sometimes I wonder what happened to that Harmony...). Anyway, at the end of almost every letter, I bore my testimony to Heidi. It has been really neat for me, as I read them, to see how I dealt with those problems at that time. Each trial was such a big part of my life, and I'm so glad I wrote down all my feelings. It reminds me that I need to start my journal again. I've had a very trying couple of months, and have felt a confetti of feelings. I've learned many things about myself, many things about life, and many things about the Lord's love.

For selfish reasons, I haven't written consistently in my journal for many years. Somehow I've been embarrassed at my inability to have children and didn't want to force people to read about my dumb emotions. I knew that a lot of women go through the same trials, and felt that it shouldn't really be a big deal. So, I thought, why take up paper talking about it? (I know, it makes absolutely no sense at all!) And, now I have missed out on years of journal-writing. I have also lost many years of life from which I can learn, or others can learn from my experiences. I really need to get back in the habit.

That's it.


That Girl said...

In some ways, a blog IS a journal. Lots of sites can print them off into a more concrete form.

And hey - you still ARE a fun person. I seriously take offense. ;o)

The word verification is "palness." Cuz we're pals. And pale.

mikensi said...

i like your "confetti of feelings" line. you need to become a writer. :) and, i think you're are a fun person, hello, we're cousins! and, even if we weren't family and i met you, i'd pick you to be my friend. i think that's cool you were able to see your growth through your different trials. i think i would be embarrassed w/ what i wrote, lol!

Amy said...

Harmony P! I'm sure you're still fun! You can't be Harmony and not be fun.

As for the Journal... I agree with Becky about the blog being one. Yes, it's not as intimate, but it works. I'm a horrible journal writer because I don't think anything is important enough to write about. And I absolutely HATE writing in a journal, but that's beside the point.

The point is I love you! You're sounding a lot better MRS!

holley family said...

Okay so i just read this book "These is my words" by nancy taylor. and you SO need to read it. it makes you understand why to keep a journal. the first 20 pages are a little hard to get into because of the way she writes (it's in a journal format) and the main character, sarah, is not super educated. it's an 1880's to 1900's historical fiction... SUPER great read, but it made the little things that we think are so silly to write about worth writing. trust me, you'll understand after you read it. and there are two more in the series too!!!

p.s. you are WAY fun harmony. i promise.

daveescaped said...

Journals schmurnals I say. Just know that if you only keep a journal out of feelings of obligation you will end up with a journal full of such pithy phrases as, "So-and-so is a big fat poophead", and "Today I had a day". Not that I have seen such a journal but I've heard of them.

I just noticed I lost my emails from when Jasmin and I were dating. Those were my ace-in-the-whole for some kind of journal to leave my descendants. What a shame. I guess now I have some time to make up some better stories.

Adam and Shari Crawford said...

It's amazing how we change throughout life..... I remember being the crazy, young one in my appartment and now I feel so old ;)

I was actually wondering just yesterday, why I felt so ashamed that we didn't have children yet. I sometimes feel that society is going to think I'm a failure in every aspect, because we can't have children.... Then my Mother-in-law (who is pentecostal) told me that it was all in the Lord's time and to remember that she loved me no matter what. It was the best thing I could hear..... it wasn't the words ('cause I had heard them a million times) but from her simple testimony that wasn't even based in our religion.... I have to look for those golden moments to sustain me through the tearful nights ;)

Jasmin said...

How cool that she sent your letters back to you. I was going through old papers a few months ago and wondered if I should do the same with letters I have from people. Now I'm convinced to do it! It sounds like such a wonderful thing to have and it is totally like a journal for you.

I alSo use my blog As a jOUrNaL sIncE it"s THE onLy Thing that i aCTUalLy WilL DO. sorRY for the cRazy CAps> davEY is hittiNG thE caps locK On And off as i TYPe.

yOU'rE toTalLy stilL A fUn pErSOn!!! what ARE yoU TalKing AbouT. I aLWasy WisH i wERE mORE like yoU in thaT RESPECT>I feEl So BoRINg and DULL CompareD to YOU!! I love yOU AND HOpe you have a wonDerful day!!

Robyn said...

Guess what? I brought home some boxes from my parents house in August and was just going though them the other day and what did I find- tons of cute cards from YOU! I'm not nice enough to give them back though because they made me so happy!

Megan, Peter, and Benjamin said...

I am just catching up on blogs.....
that is so cool that she kept them. Are you going to scrap book them or put them in something to keep them neat?

As for being embarrassed about what went on with the fertility is a hard one. It is one of those topics that you have to be the one who is comfortable with the topic. It is still hard for me when I see babies or people ask me when I am going to have a baby with my husband. Little do they know that we too have infertility issues. It is hard to have a son who is 6 years old now and can't give him a brother or sister! Ugh! Life can be so tough sometimes, but life is so worth it! Lots of hugs coming your way from the great white North!!!