Sunday, September 27, 2009

I've been reading

So, my friend Heidi gave me all the letters I wrote to her while she was on her mission. During this time, my father was diagnosed with a terminal disease, I had a friend commit suicide, I had major issues within my major at BYU, and I started dating my future husband. It was a difficult and wonderful time. I wrote Heidi very consistently, often every week. She became my journal. I am so glad she gave me back these letters. I had kept copies of many of them on my computer, but have long since lost the files.

As I read the letters, I see myself in many different ways. The memories flood back at me as I remember my roommates, and I remember the crazy things we did. I was such a fun person! (sometimes I wonder what happened to that Harmony...). Anyway, at the end of almost every letter, I bore my testimony to Heidi. It has been really neat for me, as I read them, to see how I dealt with those problems at that time. Each trial was such a big part of my life, and I'm so glad I wrote down all my feelings. It reminds me that I need to start my journal again. I've had a very trying couple of months, and have felt a confetti of feelings. I've learned many things about myself, many things about life, and many things about the Lord's love.

For selfish reasons, I haven't written consistently in my journal for many years. Somehow I've been embarrassed at my inability to have children and didn't want to force people to read about my dumb emotions. I knew that a lot of women go through the same trials, and felt that it shouldn't really be a big deal. So, I thought, why take up paper talking about it? (I know, it makes absolutely no sense at all!) And, now I have missed out on years of journal-writing. I have also lost many years of life from which I can learn, or others can learn from my experiences. I really need to get back in the habit.

That's it.

Friday, September 11, 2009

The nursery door

Some of you already know this, but just in case you don't, I wanted to let you know we're not going to Mississippi. We won't be receiving our baby. Birthmother changed her mind on us. (At least we found out BEFORE we spent all the money to travel there!)

We're pretty heartbroken, but there's nothing we can do about it. So now we keep waiting. It sure would be nice to have any kind of control over having a family, but this will always be our lot in life. Having our children will always depend upon the agency of another person. Ugh. Guess I just need to get used to it.

So now we wait again. I don't like waiting. However, we feel our adoption agency is on top of things and is trying to fill our arms as soon as possible.

Until then, things are pretty much back to normal around here. After all the hustle and bustle, after the fuss of baby showers, and the countless trips to the baby store, the only thing that has changed is that we have a nursery now. Everyone was so generous to us, and we have everything we need. That's the one positive thing I can see come out of this.

I can't bring myself to close the nursery door. I guess that would somehow be parallel to giving up hope. I still find myself in that room, sitting on the glider chair, or going through all the baby things. I still look into the crib, and I still keep the room clean and sanitary. I also imagine what I might be doing had we been able to adopt our son. Yes, I still feel he was meant to be with us, and I know someday I'll see him in Heaven and love him as I do now. Sigh.

Sorry. I didn't mean for this post to be all sentimental. Just wanted to let you know.

And please, pretty please- don't tell me the phrase "It'll all work out." I hate that phrase.

Monday, September 7, 2009

I'm no farmer

I know that this has nothing to do with a baby, but I think it merits a blog post anyway. Among other things, I planted corn this year in our garden. I intended to yield enough corn to freeze a whole bunch of corn-off-the-cob for the coming months. Well, that's definitely not going to happen.

Here is a picture of the "harvest." Pretty hilarious, huh? (Notice that the corn on the left is full-sized, and they get smaller and smaller and smaller...)

In case you need a closer picture, here is my pickle-nosed corn, and then a picture of my mini-corn.

Because I was bored today, I decided to blanche and bag the corn anyway. All that work for 1/2 a bag of corn! As a side note, the corn was starchy, gross, and inedible. It ended up in the garbage. On the bright side, at least it gave me something to do for 45 minutes!

Yeah, I definitely won't be growing corn again. It's cheap enough at Wal-mart.