Wednesday, January 4, 2012

to have loved and lost

I am not crying today, though I think I probably should be.

This morning I gathered all of T & B's things- their clothes, toys, blankies & barf rags- and dropped it all off at their parents' house. I went inside the house and gave baby B some long hugs & kisses (though she seemed much more interested in all of the toys I had just brought over) and I gave little T hugs & kisses, too. If you asked me 3 months ago if I loved these children I would have said, "I'm not really attached, so, no." But now? I do surely love them. And I miss them. Just a little.

Don't get me wrong; it is really nice to just be us again. Life will be less stressful now. But, at the same time, it is kind of strange that I won't be picking them up to have them at our house any more. It's okay, though. I know that they are where they need to be. I know that their parents have tried very hard and are doing their best, and as far as I can tell, the children will be well taken care of and they will be safe.

It's funny. We have loved lots of children, but have only ever gotten to keep Megan. I loved all of those babies we were supposed to adopt before Megan. I remember loving all 4 of them (even though we only ever met one). I remember that with each one, I felt intense pain as we lost them. Before adoption, when we were trying to have our own children, I felt love for the children I thought we would have. (I don't really know how that works since we obviously never had any to begin with... but I felt love still the same.) And now these children, T & B, that we so recently gave back, I loved them too. I really did. I do have to say, though, that none of that love is as great as what I feel for Megan. Hands down, the love I have for her trumps all other love I have ever felt for any other child. But still...

I've had all this love, for all these children, and I most likely don't get to see any of them again.  If I think about it too much it could sure take a toll on me. However, I have seen the strength and life lessons that have come to me from each kind of love, and from each experience.  

Our family life is certainly not what we envisioned, but we are so grateful for the way things have turned out thus far. I don't know the reasons for most of what goes on with my life; I just know to trust in my Heavenly Father and I know that He will lead us to children that are supposed to be with us. The thing I do know is that there is a plan for us. It is not all random. I know that our calling as parents is different, but it is still good. I am grateful for the knowlege I have that I can be with my family forever; that all of the struggles and heartache and pain we go through to find our family will be worth it, because we can be with them forever. I wish everyone else knew that, too.

Anyway... I guess that's it for now.


Christa Jeanne said...

Oh, Harmony, you are just amazing!!! Loved this post, because you are so right - life might not turn out as we'd envisioned, but that doesn't mean that it's not exactly as it's supposed to be according to God's plan. And He does know what we need, even (or especially) when it's not quite what we would've chosen. Thanks for being such a phenomenal example of love and faith!

That Girl said...

Oh, Harms ....

Wish I could hug you right now.